Chapter 120 - Bitter Wine

As Jon gazed into Cate’s glittering blue eyes, he knew he couldn’t lie to her. He owed her the truth.

“Yes,” he whispered. “I cheated on Dorothea. But that’s not why we divorced.” He watched Cate’s reaction, waiting for disappointment and loathing to wash across her expression. But she just blinked, her long lashes fluttering slightly as she drew in a breath at his admission.

“Tell me?” she asked softly.

Jon nodded slightly. “I will, if you want to hear it.”

Cate hesitated for a moment, considering, before nodding slowly. She didn’t say anything as she settled her cheek back down onto Jon’s shoulder, waiting for him to begin.

Jon drew in a breath, preparing himself for the painful memories. “Well… you know I basically grew up, from a teenager to a man, in the public eye. I sowed my share of wild oats. Early on there were girls everywhere. Lots of them. And I indulged, as did the other guys. But Dorothea… well, she was the love of my life. Thankfully she loved me enough to give me a second chance. And a third, and a fifth, and a tenth, and a twentieth.”

Jon swallowed hard as the painful realization of just what his wife had endured hit him again. He felt Cate’s hand slide across his stomach and tuck under his side as she gave him a little squeeze in response. He smiled thankfully before continuing on, his voice a little huskier.

“Right after we got married, I was completely faithful. She was my rock, with all the craziness that was going on. I was exhausted, beat up. All I wanted to do every night was curl up in her arms and forget about the circus. When we finally made it through the New Jersey tour, I just wanted to go home and play husband. She got me through all that.”

“Then I started doing the solo stuff, and picked up acting, then got the band back together and back on track.” He chuckled ironically. “Hell, Cate, you know the history as well as I do. Anyway. We got back out on the road, doing these massive world tours. Dorothea came along for a bit, but then Steph and Jesse were born, and she didn’t want to travel with kids. She wanted to stay home and be a mother.” Jon blinked away the moisture that formed in his eyes at the thought of his children. “I wanted to be home too, but I wanted to play music more. I needed to play music.”

Jon paused for a breath before continuing. “So there I was, out on the road alone again. All the old stresses, all the old temptations. And eventually, I guess inevitably, it happened. I was buzzing after a show, I was lonely, I was drinking at the bar, the guys were out somewhere or back in their rooms, and there was a beautiful, bold, willing woman.” He sighed. “I took her to bed, left her in the morning with a thank you and room service, and moved on to the next town.” He shook his head at the memory. “And the sad thing was… it was too easy to justify. It was just part of being a rock-and-roll star.”

Cate closed her eyes, understanding too well what Dorothea must have felt when she realized her husband was being unfaithful. But at least she really loved him, and she knew he loved her. That was something Cate couldn’t comprehend. It was something she had never had, with Kevin.

Jon cleared his throat softly before continuing. “Anyway, it’s not like it was an everyday thing. You know, not like the old cliché ‘next town, next girl.’ But I did cheat more than once. Never anything long-term. There were a couple women I spent more than one night with, but I never set one up like a mistress or anything.”

He paused as he heard Cate’s soft murmur. “Did you tell her?”

Jon shook his head. “No. But she knew. Dorothea knew me so well, I’m sure she could tell the instant she heard my voice on the phone. But she never asked, and I never told. It was just kind of an unspoken understanding between us.”

“The price of being married to a rock star,” Cate’s voice was tinged with a bit of sarcastic irony.

Jon was silent for a moment. “Maybe. I don’t know.” He finally answered hoarsely. “Anyway, I kept working, doing my solo projects and acting gigs, and just got busier and busier. When the kids were a little older Dorothea traveled with me more, but I was still alone a lot. There were other women, and it was harder for her, raising the kids basically alone. She was wrapped up in her life with them; when I was around it was like I didn't quite fit in. Kind of like I was a visitor to my own home, to my own family.”

“Finally, when we were touring ‘Crush’ Dorothea and I started to break down. We were considering separating. When I made it home we tried hard to work things out, and I promised her everything. The sun, the moon, the stars, everything.” Jon’s soft voice cracked slightly. “But she knew me too well, and wasn’t quite so willing to believe. And then the world changed. The towers went down, we all re-evaluated what was really important in life… and Dorothea found out she was pregnant with Jake.”

Cate couldn’t help the little gasp of realization that escaped her lips at the emotion in Jon’s voice. She felt the hitch in his breath, his pecs tensing slightly under her cheek.

Jon cleared his throat again before continuing. “We saw that as a sign. I promised her I was going to be different. A better husband. A better Dad. Jakey was our second chance. And I did do better, for a long time. I was home more. I changed the way we did business as a band, the way we recorded, the way we toured, everything. My family became my priority again, as much as they could in my profession. Then Romeo came along, and I was so damned happy, Cate. Happier than I could remember being in decades.” Jon paused, tilting his head slightly to brush his cheek against the top of Cate’s head as it rested on his shoulder.

Cate raised her head to look at Jon. His sad expression made her heart clench. “I haven’t cheated on Dorothea since before Jake was born,” he stated softly.

“Then… then why?” Cate whispered. Seeing the pain in Jon’s eyes, she felt guilty for making him tell her this tale. It was really none of her business what happened between him and Dorothea. It wasn’t like she and Jon were going to be together long enough to face those kind demons. But she couldn’t stop herself. “Why did you leave her?”

Jon smiled sadly. “She wanted me to quit. To give up the one thing I couldn’t let go of.” His eyes glittered with unshed tears as he blinked rapidly. “She wanted me to quit music, Cate. And I tried. I really did."

"We did the boxset to fulfill contractual obligations to the record company, then I was going to call it a career.” He pulled in a shuddering breath. “But I couldn’t. I found myself sneaking off to write, waking up in the middle of the night, making covert phone calls to Richie and to record company people and producers. I wrote most of ‘Have a Nice Day’ on the sly, not admitting to Dorothea what I was doing. But she knew.”

Cate was absolutely dumbstruck at the thought of Dorothea’s ultimatum. How could she possibly ask her husband to give up the part of him that made him unique and special and… HIM?

Jon noticed the tension in Cate’s body, and his heart clenched. She understood. She knew what it meant for a job to be more than just a means of employment, but a calling, a part of your heart and soul. He tightened his arms around her as they both lay silent for a long minute.

“So,” Jon finally continued, his voice soft and even. “We sat down and had a brutally honest discussion. I told her I loved her more than anything in the universe, but I couldn’t give up the one thing that was a part of my soul. She told me she didn’t think she could continue to live with me constantly jetting around the world to this event and that concert and another entire world tour. She wanted a full-time husband and father, who could wake up with her every morning and go to bed with her every night. And I was never gonna be able to be that guy for her, Cate. Even though we were best friends and lovers.”

“My mistress, she calls me to stand in her spotlight again….” Cate whispered to herself, quoting the lyric she knew so well.

“Yeah,” Jon replied. “Anyway, we quietly started talking about separating again, about the time we were settling into the HAND tour. Then the shit hit the fan. Davey’s divorce was getting ugly and bitter, and Richie’s world just imploded, with Heather, and then his Dad…” Jon’s voice broke again as he talked about his brothers. “I was trying to be there for them, trying desperately to figure out how to fix things with my own wife…” He paused and took a deep breath. “Thankfully, Dorothea understood. She told me to take care of Richie first, then we’d resolve our situation after the tour ended.”

“And that’s what happened. We finished the tour, I went home, Dorothea and I had one more last long, painful, emotional conversation, then we realized what we had to do. We spent the next couple months working with our family lawyers to hammer out details of custody, division of assets, everything, so by the time she filed her petition for dissolution of marriage we had all the agreements in place. We did our best to explain to the kids, and we agreed to always be parents first and exes second.”

Jon swallowed hard again. “I think we’ve done pretty well at that. The kids were understandably upset, but we’ve tried to keep things as normal for them as we can. Anyway, it’s been two years now. I’ve been single again for two years.” Jon murmured the last sentence almost as an afterthought, to himself.

“You still love her,” Cate observed quietly.

“I’ll always love her. She was the love of my life. She’s the mother of my children.” Jon answered honestly. “But we’re not in love anymore. We had to let go. It was the honest thing to do.” A tear escaped his lashes and slipped down his cheek.

Cate raised her face to look at him again. She and Jon silently regarded each other, their eyes locked as their souls sought solace in each other. Jon's heart squeezed as he saw acceptance and absolution in her gaze. She didn't hate him for what he had confessed to her. She understood.

Finally Cate spoke, her voice a soft whisper. “Jon… let’s not tell our sad stories anymore tonight. That's the past. We can't change any of it. We're here together, now.” She smiled gently. “You’ve created our own little paradise here. We should be happy.”

Jon smiled tenderly back at her. “I’m sorry, Baby. This is not at all where I intended for tonight to go.”

Cate shook her head slightly. “It’s okay.” She gazed at him for another long moment, her lips parted and trembling slightly. “Jon… make love to me. Right here. In paradise.”