Chapter 94 - Regrets

Jon sat hunched forward on the picnic table, his ass on the tabletop and his feet on the bench, his forearms resting on his knees. A Marlboro Light hung between his fingers, a small wisp of smoke curling from its end.

He stared across the road at the big tan cinderblock building, listening to the muffled, rhythmic pops of gunfire emanating from the propped-open doors of the range. Behind his dark sunglasses, Jon’s eyes were tired and mournful. He silently raised his hand to his lips, drawing a long drag from the cigarette.

Well, that’s it. Jon thought miserably. I fucked it all up. It’s over.

His every heartbeat brought a pulsing ache as he recalled the pain in Cate’s eyes when she confessed her fears to him. If he had just kept his Goddamned mouth shut, if he had just pulled her into his arms and held her tight and told her it would all be alright… But no. He just couldn’t stop himself from blurting out what had been in the back of his mind for the past several days. And that had been the final straw.

The truth was, he wanted Cate to come with him. He wanted to take care of her, to shower her not only with affection but with the luxuries and experiences his celebrity and his money could provide. He wanted to sweep her off her feet and give her the world. He wanted to own her heart and guard her soul, so she would never be hurt again.

Jon flicked the ash from the end of his cigarette to the ground. He had known from the moment the thought first entered his mind that she would never go for that. She was too independent, too used to taking care of herself, too proud of what she had worked so hard to accomplish. Cate loved her job, and she wasn’t about to give that up for a man – any man. Jon could understand that. Hell, he admired that.

Jon took another pull from his cigarette and sighed ironically as he blew out the smoke. Just a few years ago he had been in this same situation, only he was the one being asked to walk away from the career he loved, from the only life he had ever known. But it had been his wife demanding he make the choice. Dot had been the love of his life, and he couldn’t walk away from music, even for her.

Now here he was, asking Cate to do the same thing for him, when they had only known each other for a week. Guilt overwhelmed him as he recalled the stunned look on her face when he had uttered the single word that had made it all come crashing down… “Quit.” He blinked away the tears that formed in his eyes as his heart again throbbed painfully.

Danny pushed through the heavy back door of the FTB building as he fished in the cargo pocket of his range pants. He had just survived a marathon curriculum meeting, and he seriously needed a smoke.

Heading for the small covered patio that served as the smokers’ gathering place, Danny was surprised to see Jon sitting on the picnic table. Jon’s back was to Danny as he stared across the road toward the range. Danny could tell from his defeated posture that something wasn’t right. Shit, he thought. No, something was very wrong.

“Hey.” Danny greeted Jon with a gruff syllable as he approached the patio.

“Hey.” Jon answered quietly, glancing briefly at Danny before turning his gaze back forward.

Danny shook a cigarette out of his pack, then lit it and sucked in lungful of smoke. He held it in for a moment then exhaled slowly, letting the nicotine go to work, soothing his craving. He looked again at Jon, who was still staring forward, seemingly lost in thought.

Danny sighed quietly and rounded the table, climbing up on the other end and mirroring Jon’s pose. He was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Wanna tell me what happened?” His voice was even and calm. He watched Jon’s reaction out of the corner of his eye.

Jon’s shoulders slumped forward as his jaw tightened. He hesitated for a moment, then shook his head. “It doesn’t matter,” he answered quietly.

Fuck it all, what NOW? Danny waited another half-minute, then probed. “What did she do this time?” he asked levelly, trying not to sound accusing.

“Nothing,” Jon answered hoarsely. He cleared his throat, then took another drag on his cigarette. “It wasn’t her. It was me.”

“Okay, then what did you do?” Danny replied.

Again Jon shook his head, his lips pressing into a frown. “Doesn’t matter,” he repeated. “Let’s just say I fucked up. Royally. I shoulda listened to you.”

Inwardly, Danny groaned, but it came out as a sigh. Damnit, Jon, what the fuck did you do? “So, are you done with DTs?”

Jon snorted quietly. “Oh yeah. We’re done. I think we may be done with everything,” he answered, a little bitterness creeping into his tone.

Danny shook his head. “Nope. Night Fire tonight. That damned range is hard as Hell to book. The only thing that’s gonna stop us from training there is Armageddon or a damned natural disaster.” He shot Jon a stern look. “You’re not quitting, are you?”

“Couldn’t if I wanted to,” Jon replied. It’s in my contract. Gotta ‘fully complete law enforcement orientation.’” He flicked the last of his ash to the ground. “Though I have a feeling Cate’s not gonna stick it out.”

He pushed himself forward, sliding off the table and walking over to deposit the remnant of his cigarette in the butt can at the edge of the concrete patio. He stood for a moment, staring off into space, then returned to his seat on the table. He leaned forward again, resting his forearms on his knees and clasping his hands.

Now Danny was starting to get a little worried. Jon was not acting at all like his usual confident self. And Cate was nowhere to be found. This can’t be good. “Why do you say that?” Danny asked.

Jon lowered his head and reached up to run a hand through his hair. “’Cause I told her to quit her job and come with me.” he mumbled, not wanting to admit his mistake.

Danny couldn’t contain his groan. “Jesus, Jon….” he dropped his head, shaking it slowly side to side. “I told you not to bring up her career….” He raised his head and turned it to look at Jon. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

Jon turned his face to meet Danny’s gaze, the emotion in his eyes shielded by his sunglasses. “I wasn’t. That’s the problem,” he replied. “I just… I was trying to make her see….” He hesitated as he searched for words, then started slightly at the buzzing vibration he felt against his hip. He pulled his Berry from its holster and looked at the screen.

“Uh, excuse me for a minute,” he said to Danny. “Gotta take this.” Perfect, the thought, sighing deeply before pushing the talk button. “Hello, Paul,” he said in greeting, his voice falsely upbeat.

Danny arched an eyebrow at Jon, recognizing the Director’s first name. He watched as Jon continued the call, nodding and adding short comments in between his silences. Jon wasn’t trying to be discrete or hide his side of the conversation, so Danny listened overtly.

“That’s great news, Paul,” Jon said into the phone, a little smile turning up the corners of his mouth. “Yes…. Yes, I do think it’s doable, really soon.” He paused again. “Absolutely. Can I drop by and pick up the docs? I’m done with training, and I can run by on my way back to the hotel.” Another pause. “Sure. I’ll have my agent look at them right away, then we’ll get things rolling from his end. I’m sure we can make it happen.” Jon glanced sideways at Danny.

Danny could tell from his expression that Jon was lying out his ass. But what on earth would Jon and the Director be working on together? The Director had a whole staff of people to handle projects and paperwork. And why would Jon be lying to him? What the fuck is going on? he wondered.

Danny’s musing was interrupted by a vibration at his waist. He pulled out his phone and saw that the text message was from Cate.

[3:34 pm] Need a favor.

Danny glanced at Jon, who was wrapping up his call, saying something about production companies and video directors. He perched his cigarette between his lips, freeing his hands to type.

[3:36 pm] What?

[3:37 pm] Cover Night Fire for me tonight.

Again Danny’s eyebrows arched. Damn, that must have been one serious argument. Now she doesn’t want to train him? He typed a short reply.

[3:38 pm] Why?

[3:39 pm] Please?

Danny growled at Cate’s avoidance of his question. He punched the button of his phone to dial her number. He raised the phone to his ear as he reached up with his other hand to take another pull at his cigarette, then remove it from his lips. Danny rumbled an oath as he heard Cate’s voicemail message. She was ignoring his call.

“I’ll be by in a few minutes. Thanks,” Danny heard Jon say, then he saw Jon lower his Berry from his ear and push a button.

“What was that about?” Danny asked Jon bluntly, still holding his phone to his ear, listening to Cate’s message.

Jon shook his head. “That was The Answer,” he said ironically, with a sad little smile. “At least I thought it was.” He looked over at Danny. “Never mind.”

Danny gave Jon a frustrated scowl and waved his phone at him before punching the disconnect button. “Cate’s texting. She’s also ignoring my call. She wants me to cover for her tonight at the range,” he said, his impatience showing in his tone. “I’m not gonna do it. You two are gonna have to figure this out on your own. I’ll Range Master, but you guys are gonna to have to either shoot targets, or each other.” He snorted. “And at this point I don’t really care which,” he added snarkily, his frustration getting the better of him.

Jon blinked at Danny’s retort, surprised by his tone. He had expected Danny to continue to be his ally, to tell him what to do after the spectacular way he had fucked up. Jon pressed his lips together into a firm line, not wanting to say something more to piss Danny off. He had already opened his mouth too much today. “Where do I need to be, and when?” he asked, controlling his voice.

“She didn’t tell you?” Danny asked. Jon shook his head. Danny gave another exasperated snort. He was really getting sick and tired of playing first cupid, then referee, now go-between for Jon and Cate. “We’re on a range over by the Bomb and Arson Branch. Be here at 6:30 and you can ride with me.”

“Okay,” Jon nodded.

Danny sighed. “Christ, Jon. You and Cate are both smart people. You both know what it’s like to lose love, to be lonely. So I don’t know what the fuck your problems are,” he growled. “But I can’t do anything else. It’s up to you now. Both of you.”

Jon stared silently at Danny for a long moment, his jaw tensed. “See you at 6:30,” he said shortly, then slid off the picnic table, to his feet. He turned and strode toward the parking lot.

Stubborn Fuck, Danny thought, watching Jon’s departure. He and Cate deserve each other, not just because they’re perfect together but because they’re both pains in my ass. He turned his attention back to his phone. Speaking of stubborn pain in the ass…

[3:46 pm] Nope. Not gonna do it. Have your ass at the range by 7. I’ll bring Jon & RM. DO YOUR JOB.

He pushed “send” and snapped his phone shut, then reached to his pocket for another cigarette.

*****

Cate stared at her kitchen wall as she idly pushed around the contents of her Lean Cuisine tray with her fork. She wasn't hungry but she knew she had to eat something. She could feel the fatigue from her low blood sugar coupled with her emotional exhaustion. She wasn’t even sure she could drag her ass off this chair to go back to work tonight. But she had no choice. Danny had made that clear in his last text.

After leaving the gym Cate had come directly home. She assumed Jon had gone back to FTB, and apparently she was right. Danny had obviously talked to Jon before he had texted her. She wondered what Jon had told him.

Cate didn’t know how she was going to face Jon. The pain she had seen on his face when she told him she couldn’t stand to look at him had been matched only by the anguish in her heart. Now she was numb. It was like she was in shock, her mind shutting down her senses in reaction to the trauma of their fight.

It hurts when your heroes fall from grace, she mused, trying to analyze her misery.

Over the past week, everything she had ever imagined about Jon, everything she had daydreamed, had proven to be true. She had seen first-hand his kindness to his fans, his humility toward her law enforcement colleagues, and his patience with the students. She had experienced his gentle and goofy sense of humor, his quiet generosity, his noble chivalry, his sweet, romantic charm… even his ecstasy-inducing sexual prowess. Jon had proven to be so much more than the man she dreamed him to be.

And now she had seen the side of him she always suspected, but didn’t really want to know. His demanding, self-centered arrogance. His egomaniacal need to control, to be in charge. His unyielding drive to get what he wanted, at any cost.

Even the cost of hurting someone he claimed to care about.

Cate sighed sadly, her breath catching in her throat with a little sob. A small part of her wished Jon had never swaggered into her life, that Danny had never set up this little “present” for her. Because now she had lost something she had held dear for most of her life, her fantasy of The Perfect Man.

Earlier, as she had stood under the soothing needles of water in her shower, Cate had made a decision. She couldn’t work with Jon anymore. He still had three days left at the Center, and she didn’t think either of them would be able to accomplish a damned thing together. No, the best thing for both of them was to stay away from each other. He would be hurt, and it would be painful for her as well, but there was no other solution.

Tomorrow morning she would go to Floyd and ask to be taken off the detail. He would understand. Floyd was like a father to her, and he would do as she asked. Cate also knew Danny would agree to finish Jon’s training, after he chewed her ass for being stupid, stubborn, and wrong. But he would do it for her.

She just had to make it through tonight.

Mandy had e-mailed Cate’s Blackberry when Cate and Jon were engaged in their DTs session, inviting Jon to sit in on her forensic science lecture tomorrow morning and to participate in a crime scene exercise in the afternoon. Cate had almost cried with relief when she found that e-mail, just minutes after Jon stormed out of the mat room. She had immediately replied, accepting Mandy’s offer. Now she wouldn’t have to see Jon at all tomorrow.

Cate knew she’d have to tell Mandy what happened between her and Jon before he showed up in her classroom in the morning. But she could avoid that for a few hours, until after tonight’s training. She didn’t feel like talking to anybody right now.

Cate raised her eyes to the clock on the kitchen wall. She sighed again when she saw it was time to get her gear together to leave for training. She felt the knot in her stomach tighten in anticipation of facing Jon. And Danny.

This was going to be the longest night of her life.

*****

Jon pulled open the door and stepped inside the closet. Tossing his wet towel onto the floor next to a pile of dirty clothes, he opened a drawer and took out several garments. He tugged on a pair of black boxer briefs, then quickly slipped into a pair of worn Levis. He stared blankly at the back of the closet as he threaded his wide black leather belt through the loops at the waist of his jeans.

Jon’s gaze came to rest on the black and yellow duffel bag lying next to the pile of cop gear on the closet floor. It still sat unopened where he had dropped it on Saturday after returning from Philly. He sighed ironically. Well, that was a waste of effort, he thought. He smirked slightly at the realization that at least he had been able to torture Obie a little, making him round up all the stuff that comprised the contents of the bag.

Jon pulled on a dark gray t-shirt, then glanced again at the bag. Maybe if I can just get her to talk to me…. he thought with a little flutter of hope. Then he sighed. No. He didn’t blame Cate if she never wanted to hear another word from him.

He knew their interaction tonight would be strictly business. He doubted Cate would say much to him at all, even in the way of instruction. One thing of which he was certain was that it was going to break his heart to see the pain in her eyes when she looked at him. She wouldn’t be able to hide it, even behind her mask of professionalism. Not from him.

Jon walked out of the closet, pulling a hand through his damp hair. He wandered around the bed to the bench at its end. His briefcase sat open on the bench, a thick package of documents inside it.

Jon lowered himself to the bench and picked up the fat envelope, then slid out the sheaf of papers it contained. He flipped through the tabbed bundle of forms and releases the Director’s staff had put together for him. Before he left for the range he would stop at the hotel’s business center and send these to his agent.

Jon glumly paged through a certain section of the packet, one that would most likely not be needed now. He had no intention of backing out of this project, despite what had happened with Cate. He had been sincere in his desire to try to lend his celebrity to help recruiting and PR efforts for the Center and federal law enforcement.

The other aspect of this project had been personal, though. It was his own selfish motive, a way to convince Cate to think beyond the end of this week. Jon had known the second he conceived of the plan that it could backfire on him, and he had felt a little like a selfish Shit for trying to force Cate into considering a future with him. But he had to do what he had to do.

He had done it. But now, when he returned to the Center as was his intention, it was highly unlikely that Cate would even want to see him, let alone maintain contact with him until and after that point.

And that was nobody’s fault but his own.

Jon closed his eyes for a long moment and leaned forward, lowering his head into his hands. If only I could take it back, he thought miserably. Turn back time and keep my damned mouth shut.

He sat like that for a long minute, then raised his face with a determined sigh. Well, no going back. Only forward.

Now he just had to survive the night.